Hello, do you find yourself in spaces where it’s hard to know if you’re being appropriate, stimming or doing anything different to take care of yourself? It’s hard for me to know if my ways of taking care of myself are ok. There can be unspoken rules, and the lack of clarity is confusing. If everyone else is remaining very still, does that mean I’m supposed to try to remain very still also?
If I need to stim and move about, some people find that distracting to the point of not ok. Maybe there’s a policy I don’t know about, or the group discussed it when I was not present.
Being on zoom is even more confusing. I think maybe I should turn my camera off to stim a lot, then turn it back on when I’m still. Some groups don’t like cameras off, but some are fine with it. I’d rather leave my camera on and model that stimming is valid. But I don’t want to call attention to myself or distract from the purpose of the group.
video
Once in person, I was in a group where they were watching a video. It’s super difficult for me to watch videos. So I got on my phone to distract myself and do something different.
But the most powerful person in the room chastised me for being on my phone, with no regard to how I was using my phone or what I needed. She thought I was doing something disrespectful or at least not appropriate, when I was actually caring for myself in a neutral way. So I just left.
It was a shame to miss the rest of the meeting because it was a topic I care about. I have trouble with videos, and the powerful person knew that I don’t watch movies. That type of media doesn’t work for me. Either she forgot, or her need for me to act a certain way was more important than my need to feel safe and ok in the space.
disregard for needs
This disregard for my needs in that situation was part of a long term problem. Talking about my differences and disabilities, and what I need because of them, was not helpful within that power structure. I might be superficially praised for bringing it up, but nothing would change. After a while I realized that it was a waste of effort. Having the difficult conversation took so much energy. It wasn’t worth it, to keep trying for nothing.
So often the most powerful person in the room is ableist, as ableism is a tool of oppression and helps powerful people maintain their power. It’s not chance or coincidence, that disabled people are pushed out of many spaces. It’s by design.
Needing to care for the actual needs of actual people is too much to ask. The powerful person’s needs are what matter. This is a good example of how autism and other neurodivergence affect many aspects of our lives deeply, including our mental health. Being pushed out is depressing, and being gaslit about being pushed out can be angering, destabilizing, and deflates my hope. It makes me want to give up.
pre-validating ourselves
I remember the first friend who suddenly cried and said “it’s ok if I cry.” It was so nice, that she was ok-ifying crying. It was refreshing, because I’d lived with emotional repression for so long. Yes, it was ok if she cried, and it’s ok if I cry too.
I want to say, “It’s ok if I move around for my health.” I want to pre-validate myself, pre-validate my stimming as appropriate, and see how that goes.
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