autism and mental health

autism and mental health

Hello, I’ve been thinking about autism and mental health.  When I was first learning about autism as something potentially part of my life, it was from a friend who was afab and genderfluid.  My friend was explaining to me how they had never been diagnosed with autism because doctors don’t know how to see autism in women and nonbinary people.  My friend had been on serious crazymeds for years, but it was all a lie–my friend was never crazy.  They just had the autism.

I was like–oh, what about me?  I’m crazy for sure.  I have these mood swings, and that’s a long term thing.  The hypomanic and manic times are a big part of my life, and the depressive times are too.  I understand them better nowadays and have way more I can do, to try to lessen how much they’re a problem.

But I still see my life this way, through the lens of bipolar with psychotic features / schizoaffective disorder bipolar type.  I know that if I neglect my health in certain ways, I will be way more likely to suffer from those extremes.  It’s a ton of work, but I’ve learned how to be good to myself and keep myself as stable as possible.

And I’ve heard voices all my life, ever since I was little.  I remember lying in bed as a little child, listening to my voices.  I didn’t know they were a rarity; I assumed that everyone heard voices.  It took me a while to learn that hearing voices was one of the multitude of things I wasn’t supposed to mention.

autism and mental health

It’s anxiety-producing and depressing, to have to hide our needs and feelings to try to blend in, in a world that’s set up for people who are neurotypical.  People tell me I’m too sensitive, but what if they’re insensitive, right?

Who decides what’s ok?  People with power decide what’s ok, and people with power are not me.  I can’t work full time or gainfully.  In the pecking order of life, I’m the outcast chicken.  Peep peep!

My spouse Ming pictured in this post is also disabled and a rather outcast chicken.  He can do social better than I can, but you should see him stim!  He’s nonbinary gender and was never diagnosed with autism, though his kid was.  He’s in his mid 50s.  I think because he’s seen by doctors as a man and doesn’t do man-style autism, he’s just considered a weirdo.

Oh dear.  Long ago he was multi psych-hospitalized against his will.  And he takes more psych meds than I do.  He has an OCD diagnosis and language learning disability that I think are really rigidity and language differences from autism.

Love to all of us, trying to survive, with many diagnoses, accurate diagnoses, lack of diagnoses, helpful help, oppressive help, and all the ways we move.


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