Hello, readers. Thought you might enjoy this letter to my spouse Ming. It’s part of an email I sent him this morning. It’s about emotions in our mini-family lately, and how autism is part of the struggle.
Today is my mom’s birthday, and I’m crying a lot because I miss her. Unexpressed intense grief can come out as anxiety, so I’m struggling with extra anxiety. Also, Ming and I recently moved into a housing co-op in another state. So we’re feeling out how to be, in this new place with new people, as we change individually, and our relationship changes.
dear spousie
I’m seeing more how autism affects things. I learn a little more about autism and realize that a lot of quirks about me are known autism issues. Like having a strong preference for using a big spoon when I eat. I had no idea that was a thing. Feels validating, yet a lot to take in.
I’m sorry I can get so overwhelmed and scared that I stop making sense. Thank you for being patient with me. Getting overwhelmed socially is hard when I have to continue passing through common space to reach a bathroom. When I’m in crisis mode, leaving the room is scary to the point of hard to do. I hope one day we might live in a room that has an attached bathroom.
Meanwhile, I’m feeling everything a lot. I need more rest and alonetime. Feels good to socialize with housemates. Then I reach a point where it’s starting to be too much. I might not realize till half an hour later, that my “too much” came and went.
It’s confusing since the happiness and overwhelm are happening at the same time. I want to say yes. But I know I can only be social with other people for one or two hours a day. Beyond that, it stresses me more than I can take.
Thank you for being patient with my very strong feelings at this hard time.
Please help me get rest, go outside, eat more protein, get alonetime. It’s hard because I need alonetime, but can feel scared of being alone. I need the alonetime before I hit crisis. After I hit crisis, I get freaked out by being alone. Sorry it’s hard.
I love you
I love you more than anything,
your good good good good girlfriend Laura-Marie xxxxx
I love you so very much !