On a long car ride, I was telling my chosen family member about sensory-sensitive vs sensory-seeking autism. My dear was curious. I don’t usually hear people talk about this, so I thought I’d write about it to share.
I have strong opinions about relationships based on my observations. More on that later!
sensitive
I’m a sensory-sensitive autistic person. Light hurts me–when my spouse leaves the house, they turn off all the lights, and my body goes limp from the sudden ability to relax.
Ahhh! How delightful. Is this how I was supposed to feel all along?
Noise derails me. Sometimes noise pushes out my ability to think, and I just sputter. Well, if I’m well slept and not stressed, I might be able to take noise for a while.
But at the worst times, noise enrages me.
- lawn mowers
- chain saws
- leaf blowers
- car engines revving
- motorcycles
- any being in distress
- jackhammers
- tvs
- movies that I’m not watching
- neighbor noise
- other people’s phone calls
- loud fridge
I can see there’s a social part that intensifies the distress.
tactile, smells, visual
Seams on my socks, wet clothes, rain hitting my skin, stepping on wet floor, many textures of fabric, my hair touching my ears… Too many tactile sensations knock me on my ass and interfere with my ability to function.
Being bumped is horrible. I like intentional, consensual touch with people I love. But non-consent touch I lose my ability to function. After the second time, I am not responsible for screaming, and it’s best if I just leave. My chair being bumped in a crowded restaurant is a classic example.
I prefer my food all one texture, and soft foods are my favorite. I used to love mac & cheese, mashed potatoes, and soft soup. Mmm, sounds delicious. Croutons have always been my bane, the ruiner of salad. I used to dislike vegetables until I learned I could cook them until they’re soft.
I have a strong reaction to smells, both positive and negative, depending. It makes vacation rentals hard because most have noxious air fresheners and soaps. I travel with my own soaps.
Busy visual patterns used to hurt me, but these days I often seek them out.
mixed
So yeah, I am sensitive and mostly need fewer sensations. An exception is liking some busy visual patterns, and wanting (at the right times) music and sexual pleasure to flood me and obliterate my usual experiences of reality.
Also bell ringing in ritual, and other ritual pleasure including beautiful altars and singing– I enjoy my senses flooded so I can enter an alt reality for transformation and bliss. How some people use drugs, I let my senses flood, and I go elsewhere.
I can’t handle caffeine, and most drugs affect me powerfully. I run anxious and nervous, and I slip into not leaving home if I’m not careful. I need a lot of quiet time.
sensory seeking
This I contrast with the sensory-seeking autistic people who I would over simplify like this.
They want spicy, crunchy foods, chew with their mouth open, breathe loud, have a 30cm layer of trash on the floor of their bedroom, don’t mind Cheeto dust on their arms, make noise constantly, and prefer a butt plug vibrating in their ass as they work delivering weed.
Weed is the keystone of their well-being, and they smoke / gummy themself into oblivion in order to sleep every night.
They are bored easily, constantly looking for the next hit. Movies playing in the background they might not even notice. They live in distress from the mess that is their life, feeling the victim. They struggle with showers and often smell powerfully of body odor. They’re brilliant and creative to the point of frustrated by basic tasks like paying bills, scheduling appointments.
They burp loud, talk loud, and cry loud. They take drugs like drugs are candy. Also they like candy and eat it by the handful– kinda like Cookie Monster. Crumbs go flying.
What do you think, reader? I’m just describing my ex-girlfriend who was never actually my girlfriend. Maybe a lot of this is the ADHD part, and definitely we’re both traumatized.
So I am not 100% here. But maybe you get some idea of the sensory-sensitive vs sensory-seeking autism contrast I’m describing.
relationship conclusions
There’s an idea that autistic people can get along with other autistic people in a utopian fashion once we find each other. We are the solution, while neurotypicals are the problem, and we suffer in the silly world they’ve made for themselves.
I would like to say this is not true. This neurodivergent ex of mine was eventually impossible to be close to because her needs always won. Making noise is so much easier than quiet. Her disabilities mattered more than mine. I could spend time with her and go along with what she wanted, or I could not spend time with her. I mean it was her way or the highway.
When I asked if we could work on my projects too, she would say yes, but not share power. She could barely track her own life and her own needs. She accepted any help I gave, but didn’t make space to collaborate.
sensory-sensitive
Then recently I had a lover who was sensory-sensitive like me, in some ways even more sensitive than me. He centered his own disabilities and needs, often brutally. I worked hard to make conditions ok for him; he didn’t do similar for me.
When two people in a relationship are both disabled, and some needs contradict, whose needs win? My spouse Ming and I have good communication and have struck a balance. It’s been 14 years, and that’s how we’re still happy. We both want to give– we figured it out.
Note cute spouse in the photo. Bunny’s love helps.
Other people who aren’t in long nesting partnerships don’t have skills sharing power and inter-depending. They would need to try something new and learn, which is hard when even survival is a struggle. Often they will accept a ton of help, as much as I’ll give. It creates an unbalanced situation until I’m dangerously depleted and can’t do it anymore.
utopia
I wish so hard, that neurodivergent people coming together for love could create a utopia. Unfortunately relationship skills are rare in general. Just because we have strong justice drives, and some of us have a ton of language to play with, doesn’t mean we notice our own bad behavior and do justice interpersonally. We can see through cultural scams, and genocide far away obviously matters.
But doing power fairly in intimate relationships is beyond what’s possible for many people. Maybe most people. We’d have to be real about what we’re actually doing to one another. That would be vulnerable. We would need to trust and tell the truth.
I’m sorry it’s the femmes and POC who are taking up the slack. The gender piece and racial piece are big cans of worms; I’ll put my can opener away now.
windows
I see writing this that I’m seriously hurting about these previous relationships– I need to clear out the pain I’m holding. I’m sorry old resentment still poisons me. I’ll ask for help from my energy worker, Parent Earth, and my dearest friends, letting shit go.
There is more to autism than sensory needs, but that’s a big piece for many of us, disabling. The windows are stuck open, the screens are long gone, and all the world is flying in at an alarming rate. We can wear headphones, sedate ourselves, retreat to special interests, hyperfixate, scroll, avoid leaving our homes… But one way or another, it’s bothering us.
Whether we need less sensory input or more, we’re weird about our senses, and I love that about us. Thank you to the autistic people who are doing life in our own ways and have insights to share based on extremes we’ve experienced.
I love us for our differences. I want to make a new world with you, where we’re real about what’s happening in our relationships and choose honesty and balance. If anyone can do justice in relationships, I hope it’s us.