autistic timescale

autistic timescale

I’ve been thinking about autistic timescale. It’s rare that I feel at the same timescale as anyone else.  Even other neurodivergent people.  We can neurodiverge in so many ways.

Time is a huge part of life.  This autistic timescale difference causes struggle and feels like a big part of my disability.

faster

Often I am much faster in how I process, think, feel, and write.  Others have only begun to consider a thing–I have come to five different conflicting conclusions.  I’ve made connections, formed beliefs based on new and old evidence, and fleshed out reasons.  My response is overwhelming to others, and I can be unbelieved, how deep I went so quickly.

This timing is not a good thing.  I want to share my ideas, but people are easily flooded.  I feel uncomfortably different, when others can’t absorb much of the thought I offer.

This problem can estrange me from people.  Even if I have smart thoughts that are helpful, it doesn’t matter.  I can’t contribute, if my thoughts are on a much different autistic timescale.  While I wait for others to catch up, my ideas get lost in the shuffle.  I’m unheard, so I wander off.

needs

Having a ton of thoughts and feelings quickly can mean my needs are very different from others’ needs.  I get frustrated and can criticize others in my head.  “Wow, people don’t know how to think,” or, “Holy crap–people need everything spoonfed to them.”  I can get impatient.  What seems obvious to me, others need days to figure out, if they even pay enough attention and have the follow through to decide at all.

When my needs are very different from the needs of others in a group, my needs almost always are unmet.  Even in a small group like two people, the person with the most power often gets their way, and that’s usually not me.

slower

I love details, and I feel a deep fondness for the big picture also.  Combine these with a great memory, and I have a lot to work with.  Remembering a lot, I can make connections others might not be able to make.

Because of that, I’m great at guessing.  I’m great at seeing the future.  I can see multiple futures clearly, and this is a pleasure.  Sort of like brainstorming–I can come up with countless possibilities.  Problem solving often involves brainstorming options and predicting multiple futures.

Sometimes I comprehend much slower than others.  When I’m in a group, I notice often that everyone gets certain concepts I’m lost about.  Sometimes it’s just a difference in values.  It’s not that I’m slow to understand money–I will probably never understand money.

Walking through a parking lot could take me an hour.  I enjoy looking at plants, doing guttermancy as I observe the trash, evaluating stickers on cars, reading graffiti on the light pole, looking at the fonts on the signs.  Just the way the light hits things–just the colors of everything.

I speed up for other people who prefer to cross a parking lot in one minute.  But it’s hard to tear myself away from what interests me.  Conforming to others’ needs is a stressor.

events

Being on time for events is stressful because I believe in love and want to be responsible.  Being late is almost physically painful for me.  My dad was like that too.  Running late to something can make me not want to attend at all.

But there are so many reasons to be late.  Traffic, unexpected bathroom needs, distracting phone call, wardrobe malfunction, wrong turn, parking sorrow.  Being early and doing something else, then losing track of time is my specialty.

I work very hard to be on time.  So when others don’t do the same for me, I can feel frustrated.  I work hard to consider others, and it hurts when others don’t consider me.

But I can’t expect others to be like me.  I’m different–we know this.  Love doesn’t really work that way; we don’t need to match.  But how do I turn off the disrespected feeling, when I feel disrespected?  I’m 46 years old and have not figured that out yet.  I’ll let you know.

tantrum

Kids and autistic adults who don’t mask well throw a fit when they’re hurt, and that’s how we get a bad reputation.  I don’t tantrum–I turn my pain inward on myself.  I freak out in private, in a way that I’m the victim of.

If a doctor is mean to me, the doctor doesn’t know I have a huge response.  I keep the lid on as a survival strategy, but that means I’m the one taking the hit.  My body is flooded with stress chemicals as I repress my actual reactions to everything.  Then I panic later, overwhelmed.  A panic attack is my delayed reaction, where I’m the victim so the person with more power is fine.

I hope you have no idea what I’m talking about, reader.  Thank you for reading about autistic timescale and how it matters.  Thank you for joining me in creating a world where multiple ways of being are respected and valued.

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