sensory

Hello, today I had a bad social and sensory experience at the park.  My spouse Ming and I went out to the rose garden at Lorenzi Park here in Las Vegas.  Wow, so many roses are blooming.  We walked around to see the different kinds.  It was beautiful and smelled delicious.

Then a bunch of people showed up.  There was a video camera, and people in fancy dresses.  Was it a wedding?  A party?

More and more people congregated.  I was sitting on a bench with Ming, and we were facing away from the mass of people.  We were talking and cuddling.  I felt happy to be with him.

I was wearing headphones because my sensory differences mean the loud noises of the world are hurtful to me.  A loud engine revving on the street is scary and upsetting–a loud siren causes fear in my body.  It’s extremely uncomfortable.  I wore headphones because I was trying to protect myself and maintain my well-being, adapting to the world.

sound

Suddenly there was a loud “pow pow pow pow” sound like some kind of gun going off behind us.  My headphones were not fully on since Ming and I were talking.  I said, “What the hell was that?” and jumped up.

“Confetti explosion,” Ming said.  It wasn’t a gun–the people were happy.

My heart was pounding with fear, and I felt angry.  I felt the impulse to scream at the people.  Something like, “What the fuck are you doing?  You can’t scare people like that.  That’s not ok.  You are fucking selfish pieces of shit.”

Normally I’m a kind, understanding person.  But my body was flooded with fear chemicals and terror-anger.

I walked out of the rose garden, and I hated those people.  I heard laughter and felt even angrier.  Doubtful they were laughing about scaring me–they were doing their own thing, in their own little world.

How ironic–autistic people are sometimes referred to as in our own little world.  But allistic people are often the clueless ones.

I can’t turn down my attention–my senses are open.  I feel strong reactions to my surroundings.  That’s not wrong–my senses work great.  People who do disruptive, selfish things, hurting others with no regard to their well-being, are wrong.

danger

That could have been dangerous, if I’d started screaming at those people and it turned ugly.  Not sure anyone would have called the cops on me–a crazy, fat white woman.  But I’d rather not risk police violence.

The inconsideration of the party people is why it’s easier for me to stay home.  My needs don’t matter.  The world isn’t geared toward my survival, let alone my joy and fulfillment. Sensory differences can be hell, and social differences also.

I’m never going to a public place to make terrifying sounds intentionally, with no regard to the other people around.  I’m socially different–I care about the others around me.  Compassion–how unusual!

Not to mention that no one is going to pick up the thousands of scattered bits of confetti.  I hope it was made of special paper that melts when the sprinklers come on.